Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
