Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!