Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
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4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
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She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening