Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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