i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize