Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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