I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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