Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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