He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
