No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
