life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
