Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
