im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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