did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
