I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
