So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
