You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
