You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
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that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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