if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
