tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
