Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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