omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
