as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You have to summon your inner elephant
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
