There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
