you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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