You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
