I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
