Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
