All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
