i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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