I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I touched a dick in church today
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize