Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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