Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
