i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
time to smoke my breakfast
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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