Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
