so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
