: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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