fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
