it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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