don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
