I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
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I hate that we are older than the real world people now
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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