Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
