So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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