I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
