I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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