Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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