remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
