Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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