she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
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That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
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Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face