I wannas sexs uuuuu
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
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martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
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I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever