Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
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Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We have so much sex to catch up on
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.