I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
