I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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