HIV tests are more positive than that guy
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
