I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
