Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
