I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
