3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
