But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
